I was in Chapters this weekend, browsing the wellness and self-help sections (my favorite sections of the bookstore ever since I can remember) when I came across a book that really triggered an emotional response in me – I won’t get into the name and author, but essentially the point of the book was an argument for the ‘advantages’ of settling for “Mr. Good Enough”.  And “settling” in general.

Hence the inspiration for this post.

The author’s main point (from what I could gather in 10 minutes of flipping through the highlights) was that part of the reason we (particularly women) are so unhappy these days is that in a world so full of excess, our expectations have gotten too high.  Essentially we want too much out of life. Hence… we over scrutinize men, holding out for a perfect ideal that we may never meet and hence may end up old and alone.  I’m sorry but….Are you kidding me???

The idea of finding the perfect man vs a healthy and fulfilling relationship is a whole other topic I will save for a second post, today I want to talk a little more about the idea of settling.

Okay.  Let me take a deep breath because this stuff really gets me going.

The issue of “settling” has always been something I’ve been very conscious of, I’m not sure why, but it’s one of those things that even as a teenager I became very aware of.   From the time I can remember, I’ve been fascinated by the question of why some people grow up to lead extraordinary lives and others settle for average.  In my own life, I could give you countless examples where I chose to make a change vs settling, and it’s led me to a life that I am happy to say, I truly love.   It wasn’t always like this, but each time I found myself in a job or relationship that was not all I had hoped for, I chose to take a chance and aim for something more.   To do anything less felt like dying a slow death.  (now I know that may sound a bit dramatic… but for me, this is how I felt)

Now, this is obviously subjective.  What is average for one person, could be extraordinary for another.  The real barometer is your own degree of happiness and fulfillment with life.  Only you can answer that.

Perhaps more accurate than using the term “average” is the idea of mediocrity.  It’s settling for middle ground, when you are capable of more.  I believe that as human beings, we are born infinitely capable, creative and talented.  We are put on this earth to experience the joy and excitement that comes from living out our fullest potential.

I think as children the reason our dreams are so big is because we are still tapped into our true nature.  It’s only in the process of becoming adults, through years of conditioning by well-meaning parents, teachers and society that we begin to operate from a place of fear and doubt, as opposed to courage and possibility.

As human beings, growth is our nature.  As much as we fear change and resist challenge, it is usually in situations that stretch us, that we feel the most alive, that we strengthen our character, and achieve extraordinary results.   The innate human spirit in each of us longs to experience the world, to feel true happiness, peace and joy.  It’s what makes us feel alive.

When we adopt a mentality of settling for “good enough”, our spirit is left deflated; we lose our spark and zest for life.   More importantly, we send out a message to the universe that we don’t want better, a belief that is rooted in fear and doubt – that we can’t do better or that we don’t deserve better.

I believe when we settle, we give up on life.

Not everyone is meant to live their life in some large, grandiose fashion.  That’s not at all what I’m implying.  But all of us have the potential to be truly and completely happy, to experience all of the joys of life, to express all of our gifts and talents, and to wake up every day, inspired and excited to be alive.

There are way too many people, numbing themselves with food, television, alcohol and endless other distractions.  To that extent, I agree with the author.  Our world’s excess – material excess – may be partly to blame for why we’re so unhappy.

But rather than lowering our expectations, of ourselves and of others, we should put down our distractions and take time to look inward and bring back some effort into living.  No one says it’s going to be easy, but nothing worth having ever is.  We should expect nothing but the best, from ourselves first and foremost.   After all, you get back only what you put out.  No more, no less.

So whatever it is that you have ever wanted for your life, check in with yourself today and see how long it’s been since you’ve let yourself truly want it or believe it could happen.   This is the starting point.  For if you believe you can be more, have more and do more, the spirit within you won’t let you settle for anything less.

On that note, I’ll leave you with one of my all-time favourite quotes:

“It’s a funny thing about life, when you expect nothing but the best, you very often get it.”

To your health and happiness,

Victoria

The past few months have been incredibly fun for me.   I’ve really been enjoying my life, feeling grateful and happy for each and every day.

Okay.. not exactly earth-shattering news, but given how I was feeling just a few short years ago, I am particularly appreciative of having so much joy each and every day.  I thought I would share this rather personal revelation for two reasons: 1) perhaps it may inspire someone else out there who may relate to where I was, and give them the courage to change their circumstances, and 2) the more I get out there and work, network and connect with people, our biggest obstacle to real wellness and happiness is our ability to live the most authentic version of ourselves.

When we finally stop pretending and trying so hard, our lives take on a very different quality.  Life is much easier and many of our compulsions, addictions and self-destructive behaviors fall away.  Being yourself is more than stating your opinion or having your own fashion style, true authenticity usually involves a level of vulnerability; it feels personal and a little scary.  It pushes you outside of your comfort zone and stretches you to grow in order to become the person you are meant to be.  Growth is a part of life.  It makes you feel alive.  When you’re not growing towards your full potential or perhaps are a little off track, you have a sense of staleness in your life, it may feel like something is missing, like you’re not quite in love with your life and you’re not sure why.

Nothing earth-shattering has happened to me in the last few months, other than having made a conscious effort to focus more and more of my work and effort in the areas that I am most passionate about.  The ones that reflect what I love, what I believe and what makes me happy.  In doing more of what I “want” rather than what I thought I “should” be doing, I had to become more and more of myself.

While I’ve obviously done a lot of personal work up to this point in order to go through the process of a career change, I can tell you that this type of growth is a process and sometimes requires the removal of several layers in order to reach the core.  But I can also tell you this, there’s no better, calmer, lighter and more peaceful feeling in the world than being yourself.

As a teenager, I had always been envious of people that had the courage to be really different, to stand out, and move to their own beat.  I was much too concerned with what others thought.  The fear of being judged, ridiculed, or god forbid, disliked, drove many of my decisions.   I wanted to be the best at everything, but what I didn’t understand was that “best” does not mean competing with the outside world, but rather being the best version of yourself.

What finally changed for me?  I got to a breaking point.  I had more days of sad, quiet, frustration then I did of joy, excitement and ease.   I wanted more from my life then living for the weekends.  I wanted to get through a Sunday without the dread and heaviness of looking ahead at another week.  I wanted to surround myself with things I cared about, and work, talk, read and study things that actually interested me.  I wanted to have a sense of purpose, of contribution.  And most importantly, I wanted to look forward to each day, each year and each decade.  I wanted to be excited about my life, rather than live for the vacations, mat leave and retirement that might rescue me from my reality.

It’s funny.  Why do we believe we have to live that way?  When do we stop dreaming?  At what point do we stop paying attention to what makes us happy?   It’s seems like this little “should” voice takes over and tells us that responsibility, stability, sacrifice and compromise are the noble qualities we should live by.  That choosing to pursue something simply because you like it, is indulgent and selfish.   Nothing could be further from the truth.  I believe that if people were more inclined to do what makes them happy, there would be more happiness to go around – in our work relationships, friendships, families and our interactions with strangers.

I know that what I’m saying may seem simplistic and naïve to some.  Believe me, I was once in that place.  The idea of changing and starting again seemed absolutely incomprehensible.  My only glimmer of hope was reading inspiring stories from others.  Knowing that other people not only had found themselves in the same place, but also managed to get to the other side.  This was all I needed to keep me going.

Deep within each of us is a personality and purpose uniquely our own.  The person we are meant to become is like a fingerprint.  If we want to fulfill all that we are capable of, we can only do so by living an authentic life and tapping into our unique gifts.

The first step is to listen to your internal voice.   Stop pretending, comparing, judging, competing and struggling to prove yourself.  Instead, start to explore what draws you, without judging and over-analyzing.  Give yourself permission to do this no matter how silly, small or insignificant it feels.  Developing knowledge and self-awareness takes time.  Most likely, you’ve spent a lifetime ignoring your intuition, so it may take some practice.  More importantly, you likely carry some preconceived notions of what is “acceptable” and what is “right”.

Depending on where you find yourself today, the journey to get there is not always easy.  But I can tell you this, the joy you will experience when being your true self is worth the effort!

To your happiness,

Victoria

As a wellness and life coach, I get to help people create change and transform their lives.  This is my passion.  I get such joy from seeing the physical and emotional transformation that takes place when my clients create the life they imagine for themselves.  Perhaps it’s also my own experience of changing my life that drives me to help others experience the same feeling of freedom and fulfillment.

While I wish I could spread this feeling to everyone, the reality is that not everyone is ready for change.  At least not in this present moment, and the present moment is all that matters.

I often meet individuals that inquire about my services or are curious about life coaching and seem genuinely interested working with me, and then they don’t call me back for months.  Are they afraid of change?  Perhaps.  Are they procrastinating?  Maybe.  Are they ready to make a change? Probably not.

Here’s the thing.  Fear will always exist.  So will the list of reasons why this is not the best time in your life to do the thing you want to do.  Until you are ready, you’re not ready.  It’s as simple as that.

Whether it’s changing your diet or starting an exercise routine, changing jobs or careers, moving to another country, or leaving the comfort and security of a familiar relationship; there is always going to be an aspect of fear and discomfort associated with making any type of significant change in your life.

The point in time at which you finally take action, is the moment where the pain and discomfort of staying where you are is greater than the pain and fear of moving forward.

Often we think that someone who has done something we can’t imagine doing ourselves has more courage than we do.  That somehow they must not have experienced the same fears, doubts and obstacles that we are experiencing.  This is an illusion and couldn’t be further from the truth.

The old adage really applies here:

Courage is not the absence of fear, but the ability to act in spite of it.

Whatever situation you find yourself in right now.  If you’ve been putting off taking the next step, whatever that may be for you, don’t be too hard on yourself.   Understand that for whatever reason, you were not or are not ready yet.

But also remember this, the process of change always starts on the inside before you can begin to take visible steps on the outside.  Be patient with yourself and also know that you don’t need to take drastic steps immediately, simply begin to do the work on yourself and the transformation will happen.

If you find yourself at a point where you’re not sure if you should take the next step, here are some things to ask yourself:

• Does the thought of your situation not changing feel almost unbearable?
• Does the thought of things staying exactly the same scare you more than the though of the unknown?
• Do you often find yourself frustrated by your present circumstances?
• Have you been feeling particularly sad, unhappy, tired, or unmotivated for an extended period of time?
• Do you look forward to the end of the week and dread the beginning of a new one?
• Whatever roadblock to change may be in your mind, if that didn’t exist, would you do it?

Remember that you don’t have to do it alone.  There are resources and support all around you, including friends, family, coaches, counselors, books, conferences, support groups, mastermind groups and even online groups.  The people and resources that can help you will change as you move through the process, just start somewhere and the rest of your path will unfold.

To your health and happiness,

Victoria

I’m writing this post from the beaches of beautiful, sunny Punta Cana.

It’s been raining for 2 days now (so much for the sunny part), but I’m taking advantage of the weather to sit under the palapa and get some work done.  There’s a bright side to everything right!

Going down south during the holidays has become a tradition for my fiancée and I.  The first year that we took our trip, we had no intention of making a tradition out of it, but it ended up being such a fantastic way to spend the holidays and start a new year that we were hooked.

For us, coming here is so much more than escaping the snow or having somewhere to celebrate the New Year’s festivities. Though, believe it or not it is also a great way to spend Christmas.  We have found that slowing down and being present every day really allows us to enjoy the holidays with one another.  But ultimately, this is truly our time to re-set, re-energize and plan for the year ahead.  It allows us time to reflect on all of our accomplishments and everything that we’ve experienced over the past 12 months.   Most of all, it’s the most precious two weeks we have alone together, with no interruptions and workplace emergencies.  For two ambitious and focused professionals, this is a rare thing and so we are very conscious to enjoy every minute.

On our first trip, we put our goals in writing – our intentions for the year, not just resolutions which tend to be fleeting and short-lived.  We were amazed at how many of them we achieved when reading them the following year.  I was hooked!   I had written goals before, but at different points of the year, very casually, and without a clear ritual.  Now it’s no longer a 5-minute exercise that we complete and put on the shelf.  For us, this annual vacation has become a ritual.

Every  year we have consistently achieved our goals, moreso than ever before and I do believe that we owe it partly to the conscious goal planning we have implemented.  I want to share with you how you can do the same.  And you don’t need a beach or elaborate vacation either – just a pen, paper and some quiet time to focus and get clear on what you want.   Create a ritual of your own – pick a day during the holidays where you can have some time to yourself – whether that be on the Dec 31^st or on Jan 1^st (as close to New Year’s as possible).  Base it around something you enjoy.  It could be a bath, candles, soothing music, or starting your day with a coffee or a few hours at Chapters.  Get yourself into the mindset of intention and gratitude.

Once you’ve created the ritual, here are the specific strategies for creating a roadmap that is sure to generate momentum for your life and a spectacular 2010:

1.  Start with gratitude.

Before you even start to think about everything you want to happen for you in the year ahead, begin with being grateful for what you already have received.   Being grateful changes your energy.  It allows you to be open to receiving.  If you are only focused on the next thing you want, you are always in a state of chasing and wanting.   Furthermore, at a most basic level, how can you expect to be blessed with more good things if you can’t appreciate what you already have?  I recommend journaling about the year that just passed.   Review the last 12 months in your mind and acknowledge and write down everything great that has happened, both the planned goals and the surprises, as well as the challenges that turned out to be important gifts and lessons.  You will be amazed at how much you have to be thankful for and also how much you have to celebrate.  We often take very little time to celebrate our own accomplishments.  We’re so busy planning that we are off to the next thing and missing the blessings that are being given to us at every turn.  There is no better mindset in which to begin a new year than with the gratitude and realization that your life is already pretty great and only getting better!

2.  Write it down.

This is extremely important.  Less than 3% of people write down their goals.  Yet consider this…. When you read stories of extremely successful people who have done big, remarkable things and made an impact socially or professionally, many of them had at one point written down their big impossible fantasies on paper.  This is something I’ve consistently found over and over again.  And if you consider that less than 5% of the population occupies the highest income brackets, or the highest executive positions and most successful businesses, etc., you start to make the connection that if you want different results from what you currently have, you’re going to have to do something differently, something that most other people aren’t doing.   Some might tell you it’s a waste of time, but be sure to look at their results and ask yourself if they are what you want.  If not, you might want to listen to a different role model.  Just a thought….

3.  Set clear and effective goals.

I believe there is an important distinction between goals and resolutions.  Language is very important, especially to our subconscious.  Resolutions are associated with failed attempts and short-lived commitment.  They imply that something is “wrong” with us and we need to “resolve” to fix it.   Goals on the other hand are proactive, positive and disciplined.  We set goals and we create a plan to achieve them.  With resolutions, we say them once at the beginning of the year and then hope for the best.  They also often have a negative connotation.   For example, you can resolve to quit smoking or you can have a goal of being healthy and being able to run a 10K race, which is more motivating?

There’s a bit of an artform to setting goals – many of you may have heard of SMART goals.  These are based on proven strategies that increase the likelihood of success.  Here are some of those guidelines that I’ve found to be most effective:

• Be clear and specific. Your goals should be specific enough that you can measure them.  For example, “to be more happy” or “have more balance” is too vague.  How will you know you’ve achieved it?  Most of us actually don’t achieve what we want because we don’t know what we want!  At least not with great clarity.  You need to define what happiness and balance means to you – is that time for a hobby, time with your family, more time with friends or maybe figuring out your passions?

• Have a deadline. Goals without a timeline are simply wishes and dreams.  When we set a date we automatically make the goals more real in our minds and create a sense of urgency both consciously and subconsciously.

• Think big. Your goals must be motivating and I mean REALLY motivating!  Most of us set goals with our heads, more like a “to do” list for ourselves rather than dreams that we want to accomplish.  As a result, our so-called “willpower” starts to fade within a few weeks.  To do lists are great and necessary, but they contain the “how” not the “what”.  For the start a new year do this:  PICK 5 GOALS.  That’s it.   Here’s something that works really well for me – it’s a strategy I learned from Robin Sharma and I have found to be very effective.  Ask yourself: What 5 things need to happen this year to make it the best year ever? You can still have smaller goals and monthly objectives if you like but I found this to be a great way to thing big, get focused and get clear.  Remember to set a date for each and ideally write them at the front page of your daily notebook, that way you have a constant reminder.

Every year we start the year with the best of intentions.   Who doesn’t want to improve their life in some way?  Whether that be getting fitter, being healthier, getting the dream job, dream house, dream mate, or achieving a long-time goal such as traveling to a particular country or running a marathon.

As we start a new year and a new decade, make a promise to yourself that this year really will be the best year yet!   Start by approaching the usual New Year’s “resolution-making” a little differently this year.    I hope that these strategies will be helpful and I’ll be sure to keep providing content through my blog, newsletter and programs that will keep you motivated and on track all year long.

I wish you a prosperous 2010!

To your health and happiness,

Victoria

Over the next few weeks, I’m going to write a number of posts to give you some tools you can use to begin to identify your passions.

I meet so many people that tell me they are ready to make a change in their life, but have no idea where to start. They may have more than one interest that is pulling them in different directions or they have found they have gotten so far off track, they are having a hard time identifying something they are passionate about.

Not only is this topic an important focus of life coaching, I believe it’s an essential part of health and wellness as well. Our passions feed our spirit. They give us joy, happiness, fulfillment and inspiration. They motivate us and give us something to look forward to in our day or week.

When passion is missing in our life, we look for that satisfaction and fulfillment in other places – food, alcohol, television, relationships and even work. All of these things are not “unhealthy” in themselves, but when they are used to numb our real feelings or ignore a larger issue, then they become unhealthy, sometimes to the point of addiction.

I’ve found over the years that at the root of most people’s eating or weight issues there is usually something deeper. The people that come to see me either already know this, or they don’t realize they are unhappy until we begin to work through the constructs they have designed to avoid dealing with their true feelings.

In both cases, what is often missing is a deeper sense of joy and fulfillment. This is something we cannot get from external sources. It comes from within, when we are connected to our passion and our authentic nature.

It’s important to remember that there is nothing wrong with you if you find yourself in this situation. Don’t beat yourself up for not having figured it out. This is part of the journey, part of your growth as a human being. In our society, very few of us have had the benefit as young children to witness healthy emotional behavior. We are often not taught how to express our feelings, or even recognize them.

Over several posts, I’m going to share with you some clues that will help you to narrow down and identify your passions. They are all around you. Your true self is always trying to steer you in the direction of joy and fulfillment, it’s a just a matter of learning how to notice the signs. These signs are almost always linked to your emotions.

So here’s clue #1: Pay attention to what or who you are jealous of.

We’ve been taught that jealousy is a negative emotion. But really all of our emotions are signs that something is coming up for us. Jealousy is a sign that there is something the other person has that we want – whether that be a lifestyle, a job, a good figure, a relationship, etc. The key is not to focus on the object of our jealousy and steam about how unfair life is. You have to use the emotional clue to notice that this is an issue for you and something you have to pay attention to. In order to have the thing you are jealous or envious of, you will have to do the work yourself. Understand that if this wasn’t personally connected to you in some way, you would not be jealous.

I will share with you my own example. When I was working in the corporate world, I was always noticing stories of entrepreneurs. People who left their jobs and followed their passion. They got to work on their own terms and do what they loved and get paid for it. I so wanted their life. I wasn’t however, jealous of successful CEO’s or lawyers or doctors or concert pianists. These things didn’t have an emotional charge for me. That is the key: emotional charge. This is one way that we know we are connecting to our true self. Any time emotions are involved, we need to notice them and watch for the clues.

The trick is not to stay focused on the emotion of jealousy. Notice what it is showing you and then let it go. If you want that life, thing, job etc., you have to realize that this person has done the work to get it. The process for taking action is more than I can get into in one post, but I hope that in noticing some of your feelings you will be able to start to identify some potential areas for you to look into. Journaling can be very helpful here.

Many people live their entire lives half-living. They run on autopilot, never taking the time to explore and honor who they are and what they came here to experience. If you’re at a place in your life right now where you feel a sense of frustration, or boredom, or desire for something different, honor that feeling and begin the process of self discovery. It may require a bit of effort (anything worth having always does), but the reward of living each day truly happy and fulfilled is so worth it.

Start paying attention to this first clue, and I’ll share more in the coming posts.

To your health and happiness,
Victoria

Some people find this concept a little New Age.  They immediately think of movies like The Secret and Law of Attraction.  However the power of thought is an idea that goes far being marketing gimmicks and “self help” talk.

As part of my practice, I work with thoughts and belief systems all the time.  It’s usually one of the first steps in ensuring my clients get results.  Our thoughts have the power to set us up for success or failure, even before we start.  The beauty is: we get to choose.

If you’re still not convinced, consider this:  When you think about biting into a juicy sour lemon, what happens to your body?  There is a physical reaction right?  What about when you focus on someone you dislike, or an event that happened that really upset you.  Your body becomes tense or maybe you have a tightening feeling in your chest or stomach.  The point is, our thoughts have the power to create a physical experience.  And this phenomenon is constantly at work, whether you are conscious of it or not.  So why not use it to your advantage?

Consider another example.  Studies were done on athletes who were working to improve their performance.  One group continued to practice every day.  Another group practiced but also visualized their results and perfect performance.  A third group only visualized their perfect performance.  Guess which group had the best results?  The group that visualized.  Hard to believe?  It’s a fact that top performance athletes, body builders and even in successful entrepreneurs had a vision of their success long before they achieved it.

Ever heard sayings such as “whether you think you can or can’t, you’re right”.  There is a reason these having been around for decades.  They resonate with us because at some level we know they are true

So what prevents us from getting to the top of our game?   Most of us have a thought pattern that goes something like this….

I would but I’m too old.

I wish I could but I don’t have the time, the education, the talent, the money.

I will try.

I hope it will work this time.

That’s sounds good, but I couldn’t do that.

I’ve always been this way.

It’s genetic.

I’m not pretty enough, not smart enough, not thin enough.

Sound familiar?  All of these reasons that we believe are facts, are just reflections of our own belief systems.  They are thoughts, not reality.  Except that they are OUR reality.  Two people from the same family and background can have a completely different outlook on life.  They both live in the same world, one sees opportunity and one sees hopelessness.  What’s the difference?  Only their perception.

Ask yourself how you see the world.  How you see yourself.  There are countless examples around us of people who have achieved their goals, whether in personal achievements like weight loss or finishing a marathon, or professional success.  People who have had all of the odds against them, coming from poverty or abuse.  Don’t let yourself believe that somehow they are different and they have done something you can’t do.

So how do you begin to change the way you think?  First understand that it’s a process.  It won’t happen over night.  Our thoughts are like habits, they run on autopilot.  We’ve learned many of them from the time we were children, so we need to re-train our brains.

1. For one week, just notice your thoughts.  Begin to pay attention to what you say to yourself on a daily basis.  Most of us aren’t even aware of the thoughts and beliefs that run our lives so the first step is to become aware of them.  Use a journal or small notebook and after a week, see if you can notice a theme.
2. Next, notice people around you.  Start to listen to the dialogue of those that are generally happy and successful versus those that are stressed, depressed and generally unhappy.  You will begin to notice a difference in what they say, how they respond to situations and how they approach their life.
3. Surround yourself with positive influences.   No one successful has ever done it alone.  You must consciously seek out an environment that will support you.  This includes networking or mastermind groups, finding new friends, hobbies and reading (audio books in the car are great).   In fact, the next time you’re getting into the car or train for that hour commute to work, I recommend putting in a positive Audio CD over listening to the noise of traffic and negative news – I guarantee it will change your day.
4. Finally, start to work at changing your thoughts.  Take one or two dominant thoughts and next time you catch yourself thinking or saying them, turn it around to something positive.  For instance, instead of “I’ll try” say “I will”.  Or instead of saying “I hate my body” say “I am grateful for my strong and healthy body”.  You don’t need to do this out loud, just notice your thoughts.   Be patient and gentle with yourself, this is harder to do than it sounds!

Whatever your goals or dreams are for yourself and however big or small, begin today by changing the way you think.

To your health and happiness,

Victoria